Joseph Javier Perla

Almost four years ago, I went to a Books and Books in Miami for a book-signing. James McBride was there to talk about his book, The Color of Water. He also brought his band along to play a few songs and promote the band’s new album. James McBride plays incredible jazz. Contrasting his abilities with the dry jazz I normally heard on 91.3 NPR at night, I realized that there is a gulf of difference between good jazz and bad jazz.

There were no seats left in the audience, so I stood in the back with a large group of Miami natives also eager to hear. As I listened to one of McBride’s stories, a couple just arriving walked through the back and situated themselves next to a column nearby in front of me. “Excuse me,” the man said as he passed by me. He had a boyish face, and looked oddly familiar. The man’s slender wife was slightly in my way. I was about to politely ask her to move and start some small talk, but suddenly she moved herself. I could see and hear, so I said nothing.

Later on, Mr. McBride was expositing between songs. I forget the exact context, but he mentioned, “…Dave Barry, who is in the audience right now,” and then pointed at me. Confused, I realized that he was pointing to the couple right in front of me. At first, I thought he was kidding, but it slowly dawned on me that my best recollection of Dave Barry’s visage was the same as the man’s. Around that time, I was a fervent Dave Barry fan, reading all of his columns (he no longer writes for the Miami Herald regularly). I began to wish I had talked to them earlier. Now that I knew, and everyone knew, that he is Dave Barry, I did not want to be part of a horde who mobs him for an autograph. I would have preferred to just talk, hear a joke, see what he’s like as a normal guy. So I said nothing.

I very much wish I had. I read more and more of his columns. My first week into college, I found out that a good friend of mine there, Jono Leitch, from Tulsa, Oklahoma, is also a big fan of his. He was jealous of me after I told him this story, also disappointed that I didn’t really talk to him. I am disappointed too.

But I still read his articles. Every year, even though he stopped writing regularly, Dave Barry writes a year in review. The year in review for 2007 is out: http://www.miamiherald.com/news/breaking_dade/story/359770.html.

If you follow the news, it’s pretty funny. I recommend it. I like to read it out loud slowly, imagining the situations as I go along.

Some highlights:

While the White House ponders its options, congressional Democrats vow to strongly oppose whatever action the president decides to take, while at the same time voting to fund it.

Sports remains in the news in . . . FEBRUARY . . . when South Florida hosts Super Bowl Roman Numeral.

In other show-business news, the surprise contestant on American Idol is llama-hairstyled Sanjaya Malakar, who, with the support of millions of viewers, all apparently deaf, manages to reach the late rounds of the competition before being eliminated by a blowgun dart from Simon Cowell. Upon being revived, Sanjaya is signed by the Miami Dolphins.

So New Hampshire moves its primary to early January, and Iowa moves its caucus to even earlier in January. Soon the other states, not wanting to be left out, start moving up their elections; before the frenzy is over, Nebraska has officially declared that its 2008 primary election will take place in 1973.

As May draws to a close and the Atlantic hurricane season looms, weather experts, having reviewed all their data and their sophisticated computer models, announce that they have absolutely no clue what is going to happen.

Ha ha! We are, of course, kidding. The experts confidently predict that we are going to have a worse-than-usual hurricane season. This is also what they confidently predicted last year, which, as you may recall, was an unusually quiet season. It is only a matter of time before these experts are hired by the Miami Dolphins.

In sports, the Anaheim Ducks defeat the Ottawa Senators in a Stanley Cup playoff series watched, worldwide, by most of the players’ parents.

But the biggest story in June, as well as the history of the universe, is the release of the Apple iPhone…

In the arts, July is dominated by the release of the seventh and last Harry Potter book, Harry Potter Spends Half the Book Camping…

In sports, suspicions of doping continue to plague the Tour de France when the grueling 2,200-mile race is won, in a stunning upset, by Barry Bonds.

…the Democrats fare little better in their ”West Side Story Rumble Debate,” which ends early when a switchblade-wielding John Edwards ”accidentally” stabs Hillary Clinton in her pantsuit.

Sen. Craig explains that, even though he pleaded guilty, he is innocent, but he promises that he will resign, a pledge he later clarifies by explaining that he will not resign. The Senate, responding with unusual speed and firmness, funds a large unnecessary project in Alaska named after Ted Stevens.

On the weather front, the nation is gripped by a heat wave. This has happened pretty much every August since the dawn of human civilization, but it totally stuns the news media.

In politics, the race for the Democratic nomination heats up during a nationally televised debate when John Edwards and Barack Obama, in what political observers view as a thinly veiled attack on Hillary Clinton, repeatedly raise the issue of ankle size.

Meanwhile CNN faces allegations of allowing planted questions in its televised debates after a group of audience members billed as ”ordinary, undecided voters” — including a police officer, a construction worker, a soldier, a rancher and a native American — turn out to be, in fact, the Village People.

In economic news, the Federal Reserve Board, responding to recession fears and the continued weakening of the dollar, votes unanimously to be paid in euros.

Abroad, French transit workers attempt to end a strike, only to discover that they have forgotten how to operate the trains. Everybody enjoys a hearty laugh and returns to the café.

This leads us to . . . DECEMBER. . . in which the race for the presidency becomes even more riveting than it already was, if such a thing is possible. On the Democratic side, a major spate of snippiness erupts when Barack Obama suggests that Hillary Clinton is more ambitious than he is. In response, Clinton’s campaign, showing the wacky sense of humor it is famous for, releases documents showing that Obama thought about running for president when he was in kindergarten. Obama’s campaign retaliates by releasing a sonogram allegedly showing that Clinton was running for president in the womb. (I am making only some of this up.)

But the big story on the GOP side is former senator or governor of some state Mike (or possibly Bob) Huckabee, who surges ahead in the polls because (a) nobody knows anything about him, and (b) it’s fun to say ”Huckabee.” Huckabee Huckabee Huckabee.

In a major Latin American story, Venezuelan voters reject sweeping constitutional changes pushed by President Hugo Chávez, including a law that would make it illegal for anybody to be taller than he is. A defiant Chávez concedes defeat, but notes that he is still polling ahead of both Joe Biden and John McCain in Iowa.